Even at its best, life is hard

     I think most people can say that 2020 was quite the year. I am hoping that everyone was able to find more good than bad, but honestly, it was a crap show that never stopped. 2021 was the promise of "normalcy" returning, right? 2021 has been just as insane for me personally, but also in general. We're still in the midst of a pandemic, though, thanks to science, we have an end in sight. We're still struggling with politics on all sides. 

     For me personally, I decided, after years of wanting to, to finally apply for grad school and start. It was "perfect timing" since both of my girls would be in school and we wouldn't be paying for daycare. My company offered tuition reimbursement, so I would be able to take 3-4 classes a year and only have to pay for one myself. Cut to my company now deciding that they're no longer going to offer tuition reimbursement... in the middle of my first class. You can now only potentially get reimbursed if a degree is necessary for your job. Keep in mind, this was something I was doing with future job requirements in mind, so now I have to pay for it myself or quit. Also in mind, if I quit, I won't be eligible for potential future jobs and will be looked over for someone who already has the degree. Frustrating, right? 

     Next, we decided to refinance our house so we could get rid of the PMI and save some money. We're finally set to close and decide we need to move. Not move across town, but move from Florida to Pennsylvania. This was actually more my idea, though we had been talking about it for over a year off and on. We had planned to move before we had our younger daughter, but she needed to be close to specialists and we were very limited in where we could move and be near them. While this is something we're all very excited about, this has caused me a lot of emotional turmoil. I realize it may not make sense... I am a girl who has never really been a beach fan and am getting my dream come true of living in the mountains. I am getting to move to my husband's hometown where my girls will be so close to their grandparents because my in-laws live there and my dad and step-mom are only 3ish hours away. I'm moving away from the big city with constant construction, traffic, and it taking forever to get anywhere. Why would I possibly be upset?!? You guys... I am that person that loves my friends and family and I surround myself with pictures of these people in their absence. I am currently living in a house that feels like it's not mine. All of my stuff is in boxes, off the walls, and waiting for a new home. I have never been in transition like this. We have always been in our new house before the old one was sold. I feel lost. I feel out of sorts. I feel disconnected. While I know how happy we will all be once we're moved a settled, minus missing family and friends, not knowing when that's going to happen and having to wait for it to happen are mentally draining me. 

     I am also still working, right? With my industry, you're reviewed usually a few times a year. Normally, I take this as it is... here is something you may have done wrong, let's have a discussion and see what both of us can learn from it. Seriously... I know that the first quarter ended in March and the 2nd quarter started in April, but why was I one of the last of the 1st quarter and one of the 1st of the 2nd quarter?!? I know, it's petty, but guys, it's stressing me out like it never does. Is my job in jeopardy? No. Am I potentially in trouble? No. It's just one more thing added on to my already overflowing plate. 

     Sleep. Y'all, I need sleep. My child will tell you that I DO NOT like waking up before 10 am if at all possible. With everything going on, I literally can't shut my brain off without meds. However, those same meds leave me tired the next day. Vicious cycle that also leaves me more frazzled. I am not a worrier by nature... I mean, my husband honestly worries enough for everyone (and I do mean everyone) but I am also going through one of the biggest changes of my life. I am worried it will take a while to find a good doctor for my girls. I am worried that something will happen with one of the contracts for our current or new house. Lack of sleep contributes to so many other problems, physically, emotionally, and mentally. 

     Honestly, the hardest part is that this is my first huge change (minus having Charlotte and all that came with that... and it was HARD) without my mom. It's times like these that I miss her even more than I usually do and I think that things would be so much easier and better if she were here. They would be. She made everything easier and better just by existing.

     To end on the positive... I really just needed to get all of this out of my head. In my head, I know that everything is going to work out. I will finish grad school, it will just be slower than I originally planned. We will get settled into our new home and life will return to a new normal that will be even better than what it was. Work will go on and my amazing boss will continue to encourage me and help me find ways to develop new skills and get more experience. I will eventually sleep again without meds and I will be able to function normally again... or something lol. I will continue to find my mom in all of the things around me. I see her in my daughters and so many other things. I hope that if any of you have been feeling overwhelmed, you'll take the time to sit down and whatever it is... talking, writing, typing... you'll get the words out and help yourself relax. Life is heavy. Life is hard. Even when things are at the very best they can be, life will never be easy. Remind yourself that you're loved. Remind yourself that you're needed. Remind yourself that you belong. Life can be lonely. Read some books, exercise (yes, even a walk outside will do amazing things for you), meditate (something else I want to start), pray, or anything else that helps you be your best self. Eat good food, talk to your friends, and anything else that makes you happy. Try something new. Love to you all and I hope you find peace in the craziness of life!