The Journey to a New Beginning

I really am at a loss for everything that's happened since Sunday, March 20th. My mom went into the ER for considerable weight loss and not being able to swallow. We thought she's get a feeding tube and hopefully get help with being able to swallow. Monday they did an endoscopy to try and stretch her esophagus, however between her Scleroderma and lack of eating, there was no elasticity left. They planned to do a gastrostomy the following day for nutrition. Monday was an interesting day as she was very out of it from the sedation as well as something far more going on we didn't know about. Monday night, God just told me to go tell her I loved her so I did. She told me that she loved me too and those are the last words I heard her speak! About an hour later came her first seizure followed by 2 others that took a lot of medication to get under control. They did a CT scan and another test and found what appeared to be a lesion on the back of her brain. They scheduled and MRI for a better picture of what was going on. I went with her and when they laid her down flat, she began aspirating and coughing and gagging. She was on her way from there to get the gastrostomy, but they couldn't do the procedure due to her aspirating. She got back to her room and almost immediately couldn't breath on her own and got to the point of a bipap machine and the doctors asking if we would allow them to intubate her. Thankfully I was surrounded by my brother, other brother (cousin), and sister-in-law and we all agreed it wouldn't be what she would want. We also made the decision to stop any invasive treatments including some labs that were causing her extreme pain. The following day they repeated the one test and came back with her having brain swelling that would be reversible if they could find the cause, but with her extensive other problems, that wouldn't likely happen. She was obviously not going to be able to handle anymore chemo treatments, her lungs were severely damaged from aspirating in addition to her other lung problems, and she had been nonresponsive since Monday night. We decided the best thing to do was take her home where she wanted to be. My family has come together and we've been sharing hilarious stories and some very sincere, heartfelt stories. God has blessed me with a family that no matter what happens, we're always there for each other. The hardest decision I've ever had to make was to not let them intubate my mom knowing it would likely be the end of her life soon. Signing a DNR form for my mom, who is my best friend, was the hardest piece of paper I've ever held in my hands and the hardest I've EVER signed my name to! I couldn't have done all of this without my family and without the strength only God could give me! I have the best BFF in the world! Anna, you honestly made me feel so good with your words! I have always tried to honor my mom and I've always tried to be there for her with anything she's ever needed! I have no idea what I'm going to do without her, but my cell phone bill will go down : ) I haven't even gotten to the worst part of this, but I know that I'll never be alone. When I'm leaving lunch and reach to call and check on my mom, I'll have family, friends, and most of all Jesus to comfort me. When I reach to call her just to talk, I'll have family, friends, but most of all, Jesus to comfort me. If there's anything that would be important to my mom, it would be that her life leave a legacy of Jesus' love for everyone! She has lived her life in such a way that people see Jesus in her! I was overwhelmed when her oncologist, that she just recently became a patient of, took time to call and check on her family and her. It just shows the kind of woman she is that people who know her for any length of time know her character and know she's one of the most loved and loving people that has ever lived! I thank God everyday that he allowed me the privilege and gift of her being my mom. She's the most amazing person I'll ever know and I just pray I showed her that with my actions just as much as my words! It's been a tough week and it's still not over, but I think my family is growing even closer together and even closer to God and that's all my mom could ever want for us! I already miss her and find myself at times unable to breath, but I also realized I have to do my best from here out to honor her memory and keep her legacy going for years to come! She is about to start the journey of her lifetime living with Jesus and seeing her loved ones that have died before her and gone to heaven! The world is truly losing one of the most amazing human beings that have ever lived!