A working mom's heart
To start with a brutally honest secret, I never wanted to be a mom. Until I met my husband, I never had any desire to have a child. Even when I decided that I'd like to be a mom, I never had a desire to be a stay-at-home mom. I believe part of that has come from needing to feel like my child and I would survive if something happened to my husband. Another part of it comes from a need to identify myself as more than a wife and mom. Please know that my most prized titles are "Matt's wife" and "Anabeth's mom". Those are my two biggest accomplishments in my life that money can't buy. I can sincerely say that if everything were to disappear today, and I still had the two of them with me, I would still feel like everything would be ok.
Though I choose to still work, and my husband says I need to work, it doesn't give back the piece of my heart that leaves me every single day when I either drop Anabeth off at school or leave to go to work. I never could have imagined the love that I would feel for another human being! Quite honestly, it's overwhelming and scary! It's even more overwhelming when I realize and think that God loves me even more than I love her. It's just out of my brain's ability to comprehend. It's a bittersweet feeling to know that I'm providing her with needed social interaction and getting an education, while at the same time, just wanting to hold onto her and spend every second I can with her. Part of this feeling has gotten stronger since my mom died and realizing how precious life is. There's something so different about losing someone so close to you.
I go to work everyday and then I still have to come home and deal with the "chores". Between taking care of pets, giving baths, laundry, etc., it's even more exhausting after working a full day. I struggle with bed times...for my child and for me. I know she needs to go to bed early to get a good night's rest, but between her being a night owl and me wanting a few more precious minutes with her, I want to let her stay up! At the same time, I'm ready for her to go to bed so I can have a few moments of just me and my husband before it's time for me to go to sleep. There are so many things I enjoy doing that there aren't enough hours in the day for. It sometimes seems to be a neverending circle of chaos, honestly, but there are bright moments. When we share a family hug, come up with cute little nicknames, do silly dances, and singing songs are just a few of the times I treasure most. Those moments are the ones I hang onto when I feel like I'm at my end.
The love from my husband and child are truly what gets me through every day. No, we're not perfect, but knowing that you have people that love you and look forward to time with you can get you through some pretty tough days. Some days, the tough part is at home. I lose my temper all too easily some days and end up having to apologize. Yes, I apologize to my daughter...and my husband ;-) I think it's important to teach my child that I'm not perfect and that I'm willing to admit it and apologize to her when I'm wrong. She sometimes teaches me more than I feel I could ever teach her. She's one of the most beautiful, sweet, forgiving people on the planet...and she gets that equally from her father and me. We're a stubborn group, but it's a beautiful thing to go to sleep at night in a home filled with love and it makes it easier to get up and go to work again the next day.
Though I choose to still work, and my husband says I need to work, it doesn't give back the piece of my heart that leaves me every single day when I either drop Anabeth off at school or leave to go to work. I never could have imagined the love that I would feel for another human being! Quite honestly, it's overwhelming and scary! It's even more overwhelming when I realize and think that God loves me even more than I love her. It's just out of my brain's ability to comprehend. It's a bittersweet feeling to know that I'm providing her with needed social interaction and getting an education, while at the same time, just wanting to hold onto her and spend every second I can with her. Part of this feeling has gotten stronger since my mom died and realizing how precious life is. There's something so different about losing someone so close to you.
I go to work everyday and then I still have to come home and deal with the "chores". Between taking care of pets, giving baths, laundry, etc., it's even more exhausting after working a full day. I struggle with bed times...for my child and for me. I know she needs to go to bed early to get a good night's rest, but between her being a night owl and me wanting a few more precious minutes with her, I want to let her stay up! At the same time, I'm ready for her to go to bed so I can have a few moments of just me and my husband before it's time for me to go to sleep. There are so many things I enjoy doing that there aren't enough hours in the day for. It sometimes seems to be a neverending circle of chaos, honestly, but there are bright moments. When we share a family hug, come up with cute little nicknames, do silly dances, and singing songs are just a few of the times I treasure most. Those moments are the ones I hang onto when I feel like I'm at my end.
The love from my husband and child are truly what gets me through every day. No, we're not perfect, but knowing that you have people that love you and look forward to time with you can get you through some pretty tough days. Some days, the tough part is at home. I lose my temper all too easily some days and end up having to apologize. Yes, I apologize to my daughter...and my husband ;-) I think it's important to teach my child that I'm not perfect and that I'm willing to admit it and apologize to her when I'm wrong. She sometimes teaches me more than I feel I could ever teach her. She's one of the most beautiful, sweet, forgiving people on the planet...and she gets that equally from her father and me. We're a stubborn group, but it's a beautiful thing to go to sleep at night in a home filled with love and it makes it easier to get up and go to work again the next day.
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