Abortion Story

 

Trigger Warnings: Abortion, child molestation, sexual assault, and rape

I grew up in southern Baptist churches. I absolutely swore I would never be “that girl” that put myself in a position to have an abortion. The church taught that girls are supposed to be pure and remain a virgin until they are married. Women are also supposed to never deny their husband sex, under basically any circumstance, and that has led to many churches allowing husbands to rape their wives. I could be wrong, but I don’t recall boys being led to believe they would be damaged goods if they didn’t save themselves. To be honest though, this is how American society treats women. Serial killers have frequently targeted prostitutes because it’s well known that most people see them as “less than” and second-class citizens. We teach that girls have to dress a certain way or they’ll be viewed as sluts and possibly worse… entice a boy. We don’t teach boys that they have to respect girls. We don’t teach girls that it is ok to say no or boys that they have to accept being told no.

When I was around 5 or 6 years old, I began being molested. I can’t tell you what was going through my mind at the time because thankfully, I don’t remember all of the details. When I was older, but still in elementary school, I was molested by different people. To be honest, I don’t know if they realized what they were doing.

Middle and high school were rough because I constantly felt like I was horrible and doing something wrong because I had hormones raging through my body making me feel things I was told were wrong. In high school, I had someone attempt to rape me and the only thing that stopped it was him being too intoxicated, but he still sexually assaulted me. This same person found out I was babysitting and showed up, cornering me. The only thing that saved me was the baby starting to cry. I never babysat again. Also in high school, I was literally asked, by a preacher’s grandson in a youth group meeting, for a BJ. High school was a very rough time because I had an over developed body that I was completely uncomfortable with and tried to hide.

By the time I went to college, I had a serious boyfriend, but we ended up breaking up my freshman year. One of my best friends from high school joined a fraternity at a nearby college and we started hanging out and I would go to the parties. One night, a guy I had briefly dated, asked me to have sex with him. I remember saying no multiple times. The following day, I go to the bathroom and have a condom come out in the toilet and realize that someone had raped me and I had didn’t remember it at all. I later discovered that he had put something in my drink. I went to the doctor to be tested for everything, and thankfully, it was all negative. Before you say that I shouldn’t have been drinking, I will say that girls have been drugged in nonalcoholic drinks, but most importantly, no one deserves to be raped because they were drinking. I’ve also been blamed multiple times already for drinking and that made it my fault. What happened to him, you may wonder? He was told he wasn’t allowed to drink at parties anymore and was supposed to go to AA meetings. He continued drinking at parties and, to my knowledge, didn’t go to more than one, if any meetings.

Shortly after this event, I started dating someone, that honestly, I should have known better. This relationship lasted for a couple of years, off and on, and was very emotionally abusive. Not long after we started dating, I found out I was pregnant. While I was terrified, I honestly thought that things would be ok. Even though we hadn’t been dating long, we had been friends for years. After completely freaking out and talking to a friend, I decided to tell him and figure out what we needed to do. I was absolutely not expecting for his response to be “how much does it cost?” I was ignorant enough to think he was asking how much a baby costs, which I had no idea. What he was asking was how much an abortion cost, which I also had no idea. It was very quickly decided that if I chose to have the baby, I was on my own and he would claim I had cheated on him. I had no idea what my options were, and I was far too petrified to tell my parents. I knew that my mom would be there, but my mom had already worked multiple jobs to support our family while going back to school. I couldn’t handle the thought of her sacrificing more for me! Also, despite what many may believe, resources are not readily advertised and available to people.

When I called to make the appointment, I was told that someone would meet me to walk me in because it wasn’t always safe. You see, “pro-life” protestors are *shockingly* not always peaceful, kind protestors. Instead of offering resources, kind words, or support, they often times yell obscenities at these women. By the way, any woman going to an abortion clinic, is already an emotional mess because she is in what she, at least, feels is a no win situation. She generally is feeling either worthless, unlovable, guilty, or a combination of those and other feelings. Questioning how she got in the situation and what she could have done differently. If there is something wrong with her baby, blaming herself and wondering what she did wrong.

I honestly don’t remember much about the actual day, except the very kind nurse that held my hand and reassured me that I would be ok. Abortion, if you haven’t had the experience, is one of the most physically and emotionally painful things you can endure. Whether you wanted to have it or not, it isn’t easy. Complications are similar to any other procedure and the bleeding after does not stop and the pain does not go away quickly. The only other thing I can vividly remember is my boyfriend being angry that we could no longer go to a concert he had tickets for… again, this relationship lasting so long was a result of all of the trauma I had experienced previously. You see, trauma builds. Especially if you don’t get therapy to help you process things, they build exponentially. Considering mental health is just now becoming a priority for people, I absolutely did not get any help for any of this before adulthood!

If you’re wondering why I’m sharing this story, it’s because I want to show that there are people that you know, that are good people, that have been forced or felt they were forced into this decision. If you say that “well, it would have been ok if you had the abortion as a result of rape or some other sexual assault”, you’re missing the point. Most women that have abortions either are doing it for medical reasons or have had a lifetime of events leading them to feel powerless and/or worthless. As a Baptist girl, having a baby, knowing the guy was going to leave me stranded, would have been an outward picture of being “damaged goods”. I would also have had to eventually explain to this baby that their father wanted nothing to do with them.

None of this is for someone to feel sorry for me. The ONLY thing I ask, sincerely, is that if you can’t imagine a circumstance where you would ever have an abortion, please, be grateful. Many of us wish we couldn’t imagine a scenario where we would be in that situation. Be grateful that you can sit knowing that you haven’t been in a situation and keep praying that you or someone you love, never finds themselves in one. Also, don’t push your religion or moral code on others. No matter what the situation, it boils down to not being your business. If you’re not going to plant yourself at abortion clinics offering to adopt, pay medical costs, or any other tangible support, it isn’t your business. Stop adding trauma to trauma.

What else can we do? Sex education. Stop being afraid of your children being educated. Age-appropriate sex education, starting in preschool, is what most other countries do and they have a fraction of the rates of rape, teenage/unwanted pregnancies, sexual assault, and abortion. Start with teaching children, as soon as they can speak, the correct anatomical terms for body parts. No cutesy words. This not only starts the education, but protects children from sexual abuse and predators. Stop teaching children that sexual desire is bad because everyone gets horny and it’s not a sin or something to be condemned.

Lastly, if you think this story could help anyone you know, please share. I would love nothing more than for my painful past to be able to help someone else. If I can prevent one person from needing therapy or finding themselves contemplating an abortion, it will make it all worth it! The emotional trauma never goes away and while I am pro-choice, I am not pro-abortion. I know all too well how hard it is to recover from the choice.