Confessions of a "bad mom"...

So, I have really been letting myself feel bad lately.

Since May, my family has kind of been through a hurricane. I found out that I was pregnant, which though we were very excited about, was a complete surprise. Though I had wanted a second child for years, my husband had decided he wanted to stop and I had resigned myself to being a family of three. A few months into my pregnancy, my brother and sister-in-law found out they were also pregnant...with twins. They had been praying and trying for a baby for years. We were all so exciting and looking forward to having babies close together.

I had to change OBGYNs when I got pregnant as my doctor that delivered Anabeth had stopped delivering babies and I was absolutely sure that this baby will be my last, so I wanted to have a tubal ligation after. I had to deliver at a different hospital as the one I had Anabeth is a Catholic hospital. Also, since I will turn 35 during my pregnancy, I had to go see the high risk doc. I wasn't concerned and this should only be a one time visit and then resume the regular doc until I deliver. The week of my visit turned out to be a very painful week...for my whole family.

My sister-in-law had started having some problems and went to the doctor. The doctor wasn't optimistic about her babies as they didn't appear to have been growing. The same day, Matt and I were told that our baby has some unknown problem with her intestines and I'm going to have to see the high risk doctors regularly throughout the pregnancy and we need to anticipate her needing surgery soon after birth. While we both knew this wasn't the worst news we could be told, it was still very scary to think that our unborn child has something wrong with her and not knowing what it is. The end of the week was even more heartbreaking as my brother and sister-in-law found out that their babies had died.

I ended up having an amniocentesis because the doctor felt it was the best course to make sure that our baby didn't have any other problems. The chance for genetic problems increases when they find a physical problem. It was a long 3 weeks waiting on two separate sets of results. I'm not the most emotional person...I'm more of a factual, matter-of-fact kind of girl. This, however, had me on a roller coaster. I was worried about my baby and sincerely grieving for the loss of becoming an aunt. I couldn't understand why God would answer multiple prayers, and then take it away. I also couldn't wrap my head around possibly not knowing what was wrong with my baby until after she's born.

I really prayed about things and had a lot of others praying as well. I was reminded that baby Charlotte is really only on loan to us. She is God's baby and though what we end up going through might be painful, God is using every emotion and experience for something better later.

Onto feeling like a bad mom though, I have to admit that I have let the stress of everything get to me at times, and I feel like Anabeth has suffered. She's a tough girl, and I don't feel like I've done any permanent damage, but I sincerely hate when I lose my cool over little things. I also don't feel as if I've really bonded with Charlotte as I should. I don't know if it's worrying about what is wrong with her, being busy with life, or a combination of them. What I do know and take comfort in though, is that I love both of my girls more than anyone but God could love them, and I truly treasure them both regardless of what the future holds.

I think it's so easy to get down on ourselves, especially us moms, because honestly, life can be overwhelming. Even in the best circumstances, life isn't easy and no matter what you believe in, you will have pain and struggles. It's so easy to focus on the bad things, but honestly, when I really sit down, I realize I have so much more good in my life than bad. I also realize that my girls couldn't have a better mom because every day, whether or not I succeed, I strive to be the best mom possible...and that's really all I can expect of myself! Unfortunately, failure isn't only an option, it's a reality and all we can do is learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes again.

I'm praying that I make it until my target January 6th ish date for having Charlotte, but I pray even more that Matt and I are given a peace about things and that we are able to focus on all the good things we have and not worry so much about the unknowns.

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