The struggle is real!
So, I posted a status on facebook yesterday about how I am feeling. Since it came up, I wanted to share more. I believe in brutal honesty, so I wanted to be honest about what this journey has been like for me.
I started out very surprised when I found out I was pregnant. I, like a lot of moms, knew that I would love my second child, but worried about one of my kiddos feeling left out. All of these worries seemed to ridiculous when we found out that our baby girl had something wrong with her. We discovered this around 18 weeks. Honestly, I had already been struggling with my emotions as I was missing my mom like crazy. She was at almost every single doctor visit when I was pregnant with Anabeth. I was kind of feeling like I was going through this alone since Matt was working mandatory overtime and it was so difficult for him to get time off for anything. I was missing a piece of me, but at the same time, it was like God was filling it with this new life. They never figured out 100% what was going on with Charlotte before she was born. I had prepared myself for her to be in the hospital for up to a few weeks and having surgery. I had not prepared myself for her to be 2.5 hours away and having to split myself between her and the rest of my family. If any of you know me or have read other blog posts, you know that my life has been filled with some really rough things...not unlike a lot of people. I have to say that having a baby that you can't have at home is one of the toughest. Feeling completely helpless is not something that most people deal with well and I'm certainly not! I have definitely had times of feeling guilty because there are moments when I've thought how it's nice to have her in Orlando because it allows me to focus only on her when I'm with her and then I can focus only on Matt and Anabeth while I'm at home. I feel guilty because I relish the nights at home when I'm not dealing with normal newborn life changes of getting up every few hours. I also feel guilty because I don't want to be with her 24 hours a day. It's not that I don't absolutely love and adore her, but I enjoy not having to worry about her at the same time that I'm worrying about my husband and 6 year old. I find myself crying because I feel like there is a hole in my heart when I'm not with her and I almost feel bipolar at times. I sincerely believe I have cried more in the past year than at least 5 years combined before this! I feel so out of sorts and most of the time, I feel like nothing is real around me. I often don't talk about how I'm doing because I always feel like I have to say I'm doing good. Even though it's ridiculous to me if I really think about it, I feel like I should be ok. I have struggled to not deal with this like I use to deal with my problems...drinking too much and/or taking the bottle of percocets I have left. There are definitely times when that feels like the easiest and best solution, but reality sets in. I learned a long time ago that it only brings more problems and the ones you were trying to get rid of don't go away!
I do apologize if this seems kind of all over the place, but that's kind of where my brain and heart have been! I am not posting this for pity in the slightest...I just hope that somehow my pain can help someone else! The only things that are keeping me together are my amazing husband, sweet Anabeth, amazing friends, and family that God has given me. Everyone that is praying for us...it is definitely helping because I really would have fallen apart by now otherwise! I want to leave anyone reading this with a song that has really become a theme for me lately and a thought that even if people aren't honest about their pain, it helps them know that someone really cares!
Sidewalk Prophets
"Save My Life"We’ve met half a dozen times
I know your name I know you don’t know mine
But I won’t hold that against you
You come here every Friday night
I take your order and try to be polite
And hide what I’ve been going through
If you looked me right in the eye
Would see the pain deep inside
Would you take the time to
Tell me what I need to hear
Tell me that I’m not forgotten
Show me there’s a God
Who can be more than all I’ve ever wanted
‘Cause right now I need a little hope
I need to know that I’m not alone
Maybe God is calling you tonight
To tell me something
That might save my life
I’m the pastor at your church
For all these years you’ve listened to my words
You think I know all the answers
But I’ve got doubts and questions too
Behind this smile I’m really just like you
Afraid and tired and insecure
I am just like everyone
Jesus I need You, I need Your Love
To save my life
I started out very surprised when I found out I was pregnant. I, like a lot of moms, knew that I would love my second child, but worried about one of my kiddos feeling left out. All of these worries seemed to ridiculous when we found out that our baby girl had something wrong with her. We discovered this around 18 weeks. Honestly, I had already been struggling with my emotions as I was missing my mom like crazy. She was at almost every single doctor visit when I was pregnant with Anabeth. I was kind of feeling like I was going through this alone since Matt was working mandatory overtime and it was so difficult for him to get time off for anything. I was missing a piece of me, but at the same time, it was like God was filling it with this new life. They never figured out 100% what was going on with Charlotte before she was born. I had prepared myself for her to be in the hospital for up to a few weeks and having surgery. I had not prepared myself for her to be 2.5 hours away and having to split myself between her and the rest of my family. If any of you know me or have read other blog posts, you know that my life has been filled with some really rough things...not unlike a lot of people. I have to say that having a baby that you can't have at home is one of the toughest. Feeling completely helpless is not something that most people deal with well and I'm certainly not! I have definitely had times of feeling guilty because there are moments when I've thought how it's nice to have her in Orlando because it allows me to focus only on her when I'm with her and then I can focus only on Matt and Anabeth while I'm at home. I feel guilty because I relish the nights at home when I'm not dealing with normal newborn life changes of getting up every few hours. I also feel guilty because I don't want to be with her 24 hours a day. It's not that I don't absolutely love and adore her, but I enjoy not having to worry about her at the same time that I'm worrying about my husband and 6 year old. I find myself crying because I feel like there is a hole in my heart when I'm not with her and I almost feel bipolar at times. I sincerely believe I have cried more in the past year than at least 5 years combined before this! I feel so out of sorts and most of the time, I feel like nothing is real around me. I often don't talk about how I'm doing because I always feel like I have to say I'm doing good. Even though it's ridiculous to me if I really think about it, I feel like I should be ok. I have struggled to not deal with this like I use to deal with my problems...drinking too much and/or taking the bottle of percocets I have left. There are definitely times when that feels like the easiest and best solution, but reality sets in. I learned a long time ago that it only brings more problems and the ones you were trying to get rid of don't go away!
I do apologize if this seems kind of all over the place, but that's kind of where my brain and heart have been! I am not posting this for pity in the slightest...I just hope that somehow my pain can help someone else! The only things that are keeping me together are my amazing husband, sweet Anabeth, amazing friends, and family that God has given me. Everyone that is praying for us...it is definitely helping because I really would have fallen apart by now otherwise! I want to leave anyone reading this with a song that has really become a theme for me lately and a thought that even if people aren't honest about their pain, it helps them know that someone really cares!
Sidewalk Prophets
"Save My Life"We’ve met half a dozen times
I know your name I know you don’t know mine
But I won’t hold that against you
You come here every Friday night
I take your order and try to be polite
And hide what I’ve been going through
If you looked me right in the eye
Would see the pain deep inside
Would you take the time to
Tell me what I need to hear
Tell me that I’m not forgotten
Show me there’s a God
Who can be more than all I’ve ever wanted
‘Cause right now I need a little hope
I need to know that I’m not alone
Maybe God is calling you tonight
To tell me something
That might save my life
I’m the pastor at your church
For all these years you’ve listened to my words
You think I know all the answers
But I’ve got doubts and questions too
Behind this smile I’m really just like you
Afraid and tired and insecure
I am just like everyone
Jesus I need You, I need Your Love
To save my life
Comments
Post a Comment