Somethings people should know...

 
So, if I haven't said it yet, my world has been turned upside down. A minimum of 10 hours a day are spent related to feeding my child between my husband and I. I've had to replace an NG tube twice, replace the tape holding it down another time...almost as fun. I've held my daughter down for blood draws...which will be a bi-weekly thing for a while and then monthly...and shots. I've been utterly exhausted from not being able to do much of anything outside of taking care of Charlotte because of all of her doctor appointments, medicines, and lengthy feedings. I worry that people are going to think I don't care about my child's pain because I don't get upset or emotional when she's screaming and crying. Please know that's just because I've had to deal with it so much in her short life that God has given me the strength to get through it. I've screamed and cried over how unfair my life has become! However, I was brought back down to Earth when I listened to one of my favorite songs that I hadn't heard in a long while. Here are the words...

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
One of the most beautiful songs, but also a reminder that just because I'm a Christian, my life isn't meant to be easy. It also reminds me that I still have it a lot better than a lot of other people. There are family and friends of mine that struggle to have a baby. There are friends of mine with children that have problems much worse than Charlotte and are lifelong problems...unlike hers. This song reminds me that while it's OK to have moments of anger and frustration, I can't stay there because my life is what it is meant to be. My story is what God has planned and He plans to use this for His good. I sincerely pray that I can help someone with what I am going through and if I already have, that makes it even better! I don't believe anyone's pain is useless...we just have to rely on the promise that God is going to pick us up and hold us up when we don't have the strength. I prayed for this family of mine and I will keep praying for them for as long as I live. God will continue to surround me with the people that I need to encourage me and keep me grounded. It's not going to be an easy few years, but we're going to make it and I'm sure I'll have more times of screaming and crying in frustration.

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